My conscientiousness is at an all-time low. It's 1:19 am, and I am attempting to write an essay on the usefulness of the idea of cultural hybridity with reference to material and performative attributes of cultural change as they relate to globalisation. Yes. I've already used the '-_-' face, haven't I? Just below? Well, this is that feeling again. Metaphors everywhere! 'Creolizing' vs 'hybrid' vs 'diffusion' vs 'acculturation' vs 'straddling'..!
The worst thing is that I've done this on purpose. I've left it and left it, knowing there would be this time, after midnight, when I would be staring with glazed eyes at an empty Word document. Self-destructive much? xD The thing is... The thing is that if I try, I can always do it. It gets boring! Aiya, that's a ridiculous statement - I've got myself all turned round and back to front. But I still think it's true. I keep procrastinating, and I keep getting really good marks - it's disappointing, almost. Challenge me!!! Argh!
Where's my motivation? I should be doing this because I enjoy it, because I enjoy learning. But a huge part of my academic success up til now has been that I've wanted to make others happy. I wanted to make my teachers happy. I wanted to make them proud. Now... Now, I don't really have a teacher. Instead, we have men and women who come at talk at us for an hour or two, smile and leave. Lecturers, not teachers. It's so much more impersonal... and I'm so not ambitious! As a free agent, I just spin and spin in circles! I need direction! *uncontrollable laughter* Aiya... I need someone. Is this what growing up means? Doing it all on your own? ...
Maybe that last sentence deserves an eye roll. This feels very whiny. But when I picture what I'll have when I've finished this essay... It seems like there's not really much to look forward to. A piece of writing I may or may not like, and may or may not ever look at again. An A, or a B at worst. Now don't get me wrong, I like doing well - it does make me happy, and proud. The best comment is when the marker enjoyed reading it. ^^ Making people happy!!! I want to make people happy! How is correctly differentiating diffusion and hybridity gonna do that? It's just painful, Dad.
Ah, but on the bright side, music sounds so good right now! :) When you're feeling lonely, the immediacy of someone's else's voice is heaven. Ah... I'm really tired. I'm giggling randomly and my eyes are wet. I also can't write fluidly - have you noticed that? It feels very abrupt. There's a lot of writing, though; already about five times what I've managed to type for my essay. Rambling... Ramble ramble... I used to be able to ramble and sound intelligent. Where did that skill go?
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